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HAVE you heard? The Sydney monorail’s days could be numbered.
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Advisers have advised that it be ripped out so the Convention Centre precinct can grow.
Now, let’s take you back to a letter published in the Newcastle Herald last September, from Wallsend’s Kevin Brown.
‘‘What a wonderful idea if Newcastle City Council could buy the monorail from Sydney, instead of wasting money on the fig trees,’’ he wrote.
It’s all falling into place and there’s not a moment to lose. Here’s how we imagine the ensuing town hall meeting (with apologies to The Simpsons).
Mr Brown: Well, sir, there’s nothing on earth like a waterside, electrified, all weather, end-at-Merewether monorail. What’d I say?
Bryce Gaudry: Monorail.
Mr Brown: What’s it called?
Tim Owen and Andrew Cornwell: Monorail.
Mr Brown: That’s right. Monorail! [crowd chants ‘‘Monorail’’ softly and rhythmically].
Keith Parsons: I hear there aren’t as many cars...
Mr Brown: It glides so fast, it saves you hours.
Nathan Tinkler: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Mr Brown: Not on your life, my wealthy friend.
Fee Mozeley: Could it buy more time for the figs?
Mr Brown: The drivers all get cushy gigs.
Crotchety ratepayer: Were you sent here by the state?
Mr Brown: I’m one of youse, my Hunter mate.
Man doing crossword: Former kids’ ward, 11 down.
Mr Brown: Ten letters, Camperdown. I swear it’s Newie’s only choice, throw up your hands and raise your voice.
All: Monorail!
Mr Brown: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Renew Newcastle: But Hunter Street’s still cracked and broken.
Mr Brown: Sorry guys, the mob has spoken!
All: Monorail! Monorail! [big finish] Monorail!
John Tate: Mono ... D’oh!