Isn't it terrible about Chechnya? And when will the monsoonal currents, tides, winds, whatever the bloody hell they are, come south of the equator and do their job properly?
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Is it payday today? I need to start my Christmas shopping. Can't fool you, can I? It's Christmas Eve.
I can be a miserable, critical bastard for most of the other 360-odd days of the year, so do I have to write about the Jets today?
I can picture the editor nodding gravely. Things aren't great are they? No kidding Sherlock, I can hear you muttering.
Key players injured and not replaced in a roster that was light on for depth and luxury in the first place. No finance available to rectify that situation. Throw in the departure of assistant coach Clayton Zane, who was not replaced, and optimism is understandably dampened.
And that's just off the field.
On the pitch some promising early signs and favourable statistics have been swept away by a tsunami of goals conceded in the past two matches against Melbourne City and Perth.
Those who have followed the fortunes of Newcastle's various flagship football clubs will know this is not the end of the world, nor is it unprecedented territory. They can hardly be criticised for thinking 'here we go again' by the same token.
You can sense coach Ernie Merrick is becoming increasingly frustrated at the lack of resources and options available, but he ain't the first and I'm sure he won't be the last to encounter that in a Newcastle coaching role.
By nature he is a proactive, attacking coach and he stayed true to that philosophy by trying a completely different tactical approach in Perth, which was interesting and audacious but ultimately ineffective.
Was that because his team didn't have enough time to work on the system? Perhaps it was not carried out to the extent he requested?
What transpired was a flat four, but in midfield, to match-up against Perth's two central midfielders and two wingbacks, behind a front pairing of Angus Thurgate and Dimi Petratos. This often left the Jets with six players in Perth's half and meant the shot and possession statistics were fairly even.
Whether by design, this left the Jets with almost a box back four featuring Ben Kantarovski picking up Diego Castro and young Pat Langlois looking after the mobile Joel Chianese in front of Lachlan Jackson and Nikolai Topor-Stanley, who were charged with, I assume, looking after Bruno Fornaroli and providing cover in the vacant full-back channels.
Still four against three in the Jets' favour, but as it turned out, way too much ground for the four to cover and deny the Perth attackers endless opportunities to get on the ball.
Chianese is a good player - quick and mobile. Castro is a bona fide star and comfortably one of the top five players to grace the league. Super intelligent, he's still very fit for someone approaching 38.
The Perth duo dragged Kantarovski and Langlois to all points of the compass, but mainly to the vacant full-back areas, opening up a highway into the feet of the one of the league's all-time leading goalscorers in Fornaroli, who protects the ball better than most.
So in trying to stem service from Perth's normally influential central midfield and matching up athletically with their wing-backs, Newcastle solved one problem to an extent but opened up a can of worms further upfield.
Would the Jets have been more effective playing a high line with the pace of a back four including Matt Millar, Jackson, Topor-Stanley and Hoffman, with solid protection in front provided by two of any combination of Kantarovski, Steve Ugarkovic, Matt Ridenton or Langlois?
Alternatively, could they have sat deep, clogged the space of Perth's attacking threats through numbers and concentration, and relied on the undoubted athleticism they do have to threaten occasionally?
On that point, the Jets often had six or seven players around Perth's penalty area, but accompanied by that number of defenders, plus one usually. Glory by and large did it with three against a frazzled, scrambling and somewhat isolated four or five.
Does history suggest that it matters little what the Jets do in the west tactically? They usually come home empty handed regardless.
Does a game with three chances apiece rather than 12 give the Jets a better chance of a result? Can the Jets sculpt that sort of contest when it might be required?
I doubt we will find out this week, and nor probably should we. A home game against Brisbane is not the time for a cautious approach.
CEO Lawrie McKinna called for the fans to stick solid this week, and the team deserve that.
As an analyst you have to call it as you see it, and though the Jets have important players missing through injury, they have enough quality to climb the ladder in the new year.
Sticking together and playing to your strengths will be key. A bit like families and community really. Look after those you love, gamble responsibly, don't drink and drive, and ask your God for steady rain, a Jets win and a merry and safe Christmas.
We will reconvene here on New Year's Eve with hopefully big smiles.
