Sione Mata'utia has shed tears. Plenty of them.
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He's not ashamed to say his emotions have been all over the shop at times over the past couple of months following the realisation he'll be leaving the Knights and may have played his last game for the club.
"I was rattled for so long and I won't lie, I've cried," he told us this week. "The whole thing has been pretty emotional for me. It's just the really deep connection I've had with this club.
"I love the Knights and all the boys and staff here and the fans and I just never sort of thought it would end this early here. That's taken a lot to get my head around."
In his first interview since being officially released from the final year of his contract to take up an opportunity in the English Super League with St Helens, Mata'utia put on a brave face but his voice gave away the extent of the disappointment he is feeling.
If the truth be known, he has been publicly sitting on a whole host of emotions ever since he had a brutally tough conversation with coach Adam O'Brien a day or two after the Knights' big loss to the Sydney Roosters in round 20 in early September.
"I went in to see Adzy to see how he thought I'd gone [against the Roosters] and we just got talking about my future at the club," he said.
"The indication was my best options were going to be somewhere else. He just told me he couldn't guarantee me anything at the end of next year when my contract was up.
"When I heard that, I was like okay, that's fine, I'll have a real good crack and back myself next year. But then he said it was hard to see me making the team next year and it hit me. I knew it was all over. It rattled me."
Mata'utia had deflected away interest from powerhouse England club St Helens earlier in the season. All of a sudden, his manager was back on the phone to them and while he hasn't officially signed a mooted three-year deal yet, it is a fait accompli.
Asked about why at just 24, he didn't look at a rival NRL club, Mata'utia said: "I've always just wanted to be a Knight and that was it. Sydney life doesn't appeal to me.
"I just wanted to stay here in Newy with the Knights, be a one-club player and then retire. I don't know if that is being selfish or not. My partner [Hannah] said maybe we should look for another NRL club to be closer to family but there's just something in me about just wanting to be a Knight."
As for his current emotions, Mata'utia says: "I don't know whether to celebrate the new deal or be shattered that I'm leaving.
"Some mornings I get up and I'm happy and thinking about the new adventure but then I'm sad again thinking of what I'm going to be missing out on in Newcastle and not being able to don the red and blue jersey."
Coach's honesty
Backrower Sione Mata'utia says he holds no animosity towards the club or coach Adam O'Brien for the way his career at the Knights has come to an end.
O'Brien laid his cards on the table about the backrower's future at a meeting between the pair back in September and as hard as it was for Mata'utia to hear it, he says there is no ill-feeling there.
In fact, both coach and player are talking about the possibility Mata'utia could return once his playing stint in England is over for a Knights swansong.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset and disappointed but the first thing that Adzy was with me was he was honest about it from the start," Mata'utia said.
"That's all you can ask. He could have just kept me here without saying anything and just kept me in reserve grade as a fill-in option. But he was honest and up-front about it with me and told me straight out where I stood.
"It's given me the chance to do what I'm doing next so I am grateful for that.
"It's been eight years here and a lot of it has been tough times where we've had to grit our teeth and really work hard. But there has been plenty of good times though and I've loved it.
"I'd love to have maybe one last hoorah in Newcastle when it's over which would be the dream finish.
"I'll see how the body goes but that definitely will be a goal to try and come back at the end of it like Bedsy [Danny Buderus]and like Newto [Clint Newton] and maybe have one last year and play a sort of mentoring role."
Racing the clock
Veteran playmaker Blake Green may not be the only big name Knight to miss the start of next season.
Green could be sidelined for the opening month of 2021 following his knee reconstruction but we're also hearing dynamic fullback Kalyn Ponga will be racing the clock to be fit for round one after his major shoulder surgery.
Ponga gets plenty of accolades for his brilliance but his toughness can't be questioned after he battled through the final handful of games last season with a shoulder problem.
It turned out to be worse than most at the club anticipated with Ponga needing a full reconstruction which could potentially take up to six months to recover from.
It's standing room only in the Knights rehab ward at the moment with more than 10 players recovering from surgeries. Phoenix Crossland and Lachlan Fitzgibbon will be laid up for some time after both had groin operations.
Who's gunna call
Triple M Newcastle will have to find a new footy caller to anchor their coverage of the Knights next season with Frank Barrett reluctantly pulling the plug on his radio career yesterday.
Barrett started work in the media and football departments at the Knights during the week and has been forced to relinquish the call.
He was in the chair alongside the likes of Michael Hagan, Marc Glanville and Matt Rodwell for the past seven years, taking over from local legend Gary Harley and won't easily be replaced.
The best replacement option out there by the length of the straight is Craig Hamilton but he is employed by the ABC.
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