It's a bit crook when a final parking spot's not a dead cert

But there is a critical shortage of room in Sandgate's big bone orchard. As outlined in the Newcastle Herald last Saturday, a report titled The 11th Hour - Solving Sydney's Cemetery Crisis outlined a shortage of cemetery space in NSW. Despite the report's Sydney-centric title, the review estimated that the cemetery at Sandgate will run out of burial plots by 2039.

Before launching into thoughtful consideration regarding what Newcastle might do about the increasing number of decomposing bodies that cannot be left on the streets during the impending zombie apocalypse, I feel compelled to mention the diverse ways Newcastle gets referred to in reports about, or emanating from, Sydernee.

Are we regional or inner regional or outer regional or metropolitan or the former steel city reinventing itself as the jewel in the Asia Pacific? The state's peak events and tourism body, Destination NSW, refers to the 10 local government areas from the Central Coast to the Upper Hunter Shire as Destination Sydney Surrounds North (DSSN). Lol. Surrounds? Surely "surrounds" means to enclose on all sides. To encompass. But when pots of money are to be shared beyond the physical and psychological border provided by the Hawkesbury River, it seems those doling out dollars from Sydney do indeed feel surrounded. Small pot, many hands. I suppose those of us "up north" should be most appreciative that DNSW do not refer to us as the ANOS (Areas North of Sydney).

Anyone who has lived in this region for more than five minutes should understand that just how Newcastle is categorised depends on the reasoning for the categorisation. Flexible categorisation provides justification for exclusion from buckets of money or addition of costs. In January, a NSW government spokesperson told the Herald ('Not fair': nurses furious as paid parking reinstated amid COVID wave, 17/1) via statement that parking had been made permanently free at rural and regional hospitals where public transport "was not readily available". Rural and regional in this case included Belmont and Maitland hospitals, but not Newcastle.

And last week on an ABC program coming from Sydney, Surfest was referred to as "a surfing competition taking place just north of Sydney". At least the broadcaster did not say the city was on the Central Coast. Perhaps "Sydney adjacent" might be the next addition to the broadcasting style guide.

Back to the impending apocalypse. Plans have been lodged to add more than 3000 plots to Sandgate Cemetery as part of a long-term proposal addressing the "critical shortage" of available cemetery space in NSW. Even in death, there is no escaping the population boom.

You kick the bucket, shuffle this mortal coil, bite the big one, and then what? All set for your entrance into the afterlife, only to find out there is a waiting list for a spot six feet under. Surely death has enough red tape without the additional worry of real estate issues? Forget anachronistic gravesites steeped in superstition. Think outside the wooden box. How about burial at sea? An eternal cruise with no food poisoning. Or sky burials? Imagine the look on loved ones' faces when they release your remains to the heavens, only to have them rain down on Nanna.

If you don't enjoy the great outdoors, there are alternative options. Vertical cemeteries take the high road to the afterlife. Condo developments for the dearly departed? Timeshares in the underworld? Imagine real estate spivs spruiking the latest limited release in "Eternal Estates: where permanent relaxation is always available."

Perhaps the most tantalising solution to the cemetery space crunch is going digital. Let's embrace an afterlife where a touchscreen display allows visitors to leave virtual flowers and heartfelt messages. A livestream of eternal slumber for all those non-robots who can both detect the squares without traffic lights and remember the password.

Where there's a will, there's a way. But as a legal eagle once told me, a will is a wish outlining the prizes up for grabs to all contestants. Good luck finding a permanent park at Sandgate.