Why the man v bear debate gripped us on social media, and what men can do to help

A few weeks back, a bloke posted a short video. He said: "If you're alone in the woods, seeing a man is ten times scarier than seeing a bear." He didn't ask a question, he just stated the obvious.

"I never presented it as a 'would you rather?' question because I already knew that women were picking the bear and men were picking the man."

A hot minute later, a dozen women across a dozen different TikToks replied to the unasked question. Unanimously, they picked the bear. Bears were predictable in their behaviour. Bears didn't pretend to be friends until they weren't. And one Australian researcher from the ANU Centre for Social Policy Research is investigating the primal question in a real man v bear setting - dating apps.

That's where we are at this moment. If women have to choose, they choose a sudden quick death over the risk of confronting a man. Internationally, nearly three-quarters of a billion women - one in three - have already experienced sexual or physical violence from a partner or non-partner. It's been the same for about ten years, according to the World Health Organisation. Bears are kinder. Only 665 people have been attacked by over 15 years - the main scenario was an encounter with a female with cubs. Bears avoid humans.

You all know the figures in Australia, fatal violence is just one part of the problem. Last year, the ABS reveals more than 5000 men were stalkers; more than 40,000 men intended to cause injury; nearly 5000 men damaged property; And at least the victims weren't dead - this year, women are being killed at the rate of two every nine days.

Women can predict how bears will behave. Men? A little harder to tell whether this one's the good guy or the rapist.

So how can men demonstrate they really are safer than bears?

I took two approaches - I asked an actual male expert on masculinity, Michael Flood, professor at Queensland University of Technology. And I also crowdsourced some suggestions. Now let me explain that some of these suggestions are about what happens in open spaces with complete strangers - the ultimate role play of man v bear. Women don't know you. Here's how to make it clear in a public space.

What the expert said: Flood makes some very specific suggestions about how to behave in open spaces.

Give women space on the paths. Let me expand. It is not funny to step into the path of a woman who is minding her own business. Don't crowd a woman to one side. And for heaven's sake, do not insist she takes her headphones out. They are in her ear for a very good reason.

Don't make sexual comments. Yeah, you may think it's flattering to call out: "Hey, nice tits." I mean, would you feel ok if a woman called out: "Hey, nice balls"? It would be weird. Even writing it makes me feel weird. And even if you would find that ok, most women don't feel comfortable about having their body parts explored by people they don't know. They feel threatened and insecure when you catcall or shout. As two US researchers point out, "Catcalls serve as reminders of women's inequality in public spaces."

Don't assault or harass women. Strongly feel I don't need to expand here. Don't get body language? Get some help. If you haven't frightened a woman to death with your approach and she gets the opportunity to catch her breath and say something like, No! Or Stop! - that's a sign she does not want you anywhere near her.

All of this sounds obvious, right? If only. Flood makes it very explicit: Support the right of women to take up public space safely and freely. Runner's World even ran an entire campaign about women's stories of catcalling, harassment and abuse while running.

Now here's some advice for work and for friendship groups. When a colleague makes jokes about rape or about an act of violence, question him. This is tough because it is hard to rock the boat at work.

When men do that, "It makes it more likely that their opinions and attitudes will shift, and he increases others' willingness to speak up as well", says Flood.

Truly, this all sounds like what our parents would call "common sense". But it turns out not to be. It turns out that if men or women complain about this kind of behaviour, we are just as likely to be told that "it's only a joke". As if rape could ever be funny. As Australian writer Emma Pitman wrote, back in 2018, "Misogyny isn't a sliding scale of harm where jokes are situated at the low end and rape at the other. Rather, it functions like a human pyramid, where minor acts support the major by providing, at best, a foundation of blithe indifference, and at worst an atmosphere of amusement at the denigration of women."

Flood has a go-to list of how to be a better bloke in a private setting, which I've taken the liberty of both making more colloquial, abbreviating and adding my own take. Sorry.

Shoosh: Listen with an open heart and mind. Stop interrupting with a better idea. Your ideas are not always the best ideas. Yes, you've been brought up in a society that values men above women. Times have changed and you need to change with them.

Negotiate: Compromise. Not everything has to go your way. Families are a roundabout where everyone gets a say (even kids these days).

Share everything: Including housework. Hate cleaning the toilet? You're not Robinson Crusoe. Thought about learning to cook? Those early Naked Chef Jamie Oliver books are a brilliant noncook's guide to cooking.

Make money decisions together: Only one who earns? Get lost. While you are out earning, your partner is doing everything else. That money belongs to both of you.

Be honest and accountable.

Support the women in your life to have their own goals, feelings and friends. You aren't the boss of her.

One of the lovely blokes who helped crowdsource replies to my question "Men make women feel unsafe. How might men change that?" said: "The most important thing that men need to do is start calling out the bad behaviour that we see with our own eyes and stop pretending that it doesn't exist.

"Call it out from the bottom to the top. From the punks on the street, to the celebrities and politicians. From teachers to clergymen of all faiths. If we want to be seen as allies, that has to be a major first step.

Why has man vs bear captured our imagination?

Hannah Robertson is not far from the end of her PhD in the School of - and she's researching dating apps. She acknowledges that on TikTok, sometimes we just cycle through things so quickly. But man vs bear has stuck around longer than the usual viral trend.

"It's endured because of the current climate of men's violence against women," she says.

She's also slightly bemused by the response of what we might describe as the "not all men" crew, those men who are somewhat puzzled by the women who choose the bear. This, she says, was an opportunity for women to share their stories rather than for men to say, "I'm not like that".

"You either understand why the answer is the bear or you're the reason why the answer is the bear."

Her first thesis, as an honours student, was around female perceptions of risk on dating apps across the life course. Now her PhD will examine that risk - and whether it is up to women themselves or the platforms to determine that risk.

"What is the dating app industry actually doing to respond to the increasing reports of violence facilitated by their technology?"

Respect for space and being fundamentally OK with the fact her thoughts, plans and intentions might not involve you at all.

And of course there is another time and place where men could prove they were more predictable than bears - dating. While we can wait for the results of Robertson's research, there are some common sense approaches.

As another of the men who responded on social site Threads said:

Respect for space and being fundamentally OK with the fact her thoughts, plans and intentions might not involve you at all. Flood also kindly directed me to a range of ideas on how to flirt and "not be a dickhead". He directed me to the work of Phaedra Starling and Melissa Fabello. To summarise, don't be a dickhead.

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