When romantic love fades, some believe the relationship isn't right and the grass may be greener elsewhere. This could be right (physical, verbal and emotional abuse should never be tolerated) and at the same time, much of what happens in a relationship is about noticing.
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In the beginning, we notice all the qualities we admire in the other person and the noticing is easy. The good shines through and somehow what may not work isn't noticed or is easy to dismiss or ignore.
Then time moves on.
Work, family, friends and kids take more attention and there is less time and space for your partner. The person you couldn't stop thinking about becomes the person you sometimes don't even notice. Then, when you do notice, you pay more attention to the seemingly new things you have learned about them: the bad habits.
If we try to notice our partners with less attachment to an ideal and instead just notice without judgment, we can become more mindful and experience our partners with fresh eyes. The psychotherapist known for her work on relationships, Esther Perel, speaks of the importance of looking at your partner as if through the eyes of a stranger in order to grow attraction.
How do you notice your partner? Do you remember what they wore last time you saw them? What did you talk about? We think we know what they are going to say or that we will catch it all another time. Really listening, without distraction, is an expression of love.
